Fear of Failure?

When I meet people and they hear that I studied writing or that I like to write ( I seldom say I’m a writer because I’ve never been one to have confidence), they inevitably ask me about it. “What are you writing now?” They say, or “What do you like to write?” Their eyes light up and their cheeks flush and they inhale just a little too quickly. They try to hide their crush like any self respecting acolyte, but it's overtaken them already and I don't want to disappoint. 

There is no way I can admit the truth--that I am a displaced writer, an orphan searching for a place to land after ejecting (in black robes and a mountain of debt) from the hallowed halls of my university home. I cannot tell my admirers that most of my writing is memos and forms from my boring 9 to 5 office job for which I am 8 years and $80,000 overqualified. I cannot say that the rest of my writing is nothing more than my release into my own pensive: a reliquary for the deep darkness in my soul that can never come to light. 

So instead I am expertly vague. I mention the bare bones of a couple of projects I started two years ago and never finished. I tell them about the new project I am “conceptualizing,” but have yet to put words to paper. Only occasionally am I brave enough to tell an echo of the truth: “nothing,” I say, and I watch the light leave their eyes. They will not fall in literary love so easily again.

I am afraid to disappoint the few people who believe in me, but I am even more afraid to disappoint myself. For all my solutions and advice, most of me is just that chaotic creative who can't buckle down and focus and is still so afraid of failure. If I am fully introspective, though, I realize that there is another part that is not afraid of failure at all; she is afraid of what will happen if she succeeds.

And why is that? What self actualized woman, fully educated with a vision of who she wants to be and where she wants to go succumbs to a fear of success? How can such a fear even exists in me?

Do you have answers? I don't, but I don't doubt that even if you don't have answers, you've likely experienced my same fear. Let's work to overcome it together.

The one thing I do know is this: Fear does not define me. If I let it rule my success or my failure, I am letting it win. That cannot happen, and so I press on toward the vision. Adoring acolytes or not, the next time someone asks me what i'm working on, I will have a literary answer, and it will not be a lie.

Will you?

And the Oscar Goes to…

Tonight (well, last night at this point) was the Oscars. I don’t normally watch them, and I only saw maybe one or two of the movies that were up for awards (I don’t’ get out much between the thesis writing and the… well… thesis writing), but I watched them tonight because there was a party and there was champagne. Who wouldn’t watch the Oscars if there was champagne (Besides Neil Patrick Harris was hosting and wasn't he sexy as hell)?

Anyway, watching the Oscars got me thinking about hope. I’m sure not all of the nominees were necessarily waiting at the edge of their seats waiting to be called, but at least a few of them were. Wouldn’t you? We do the same thing all the time: I hope against hope that I will get famous someday or at least make a nice cushiony living off a career that seldom suffices to pay most people’s bills. I hope I will meet the right man and fall madly in love and raise beautiful children together who will grow up to be successful in their own rights. I hope to always have friends and to own a home with a yard where I can keep a garden and maybe some chickens.

Some of my hopes are realistic and perusable, and maybe some of my hopes are too outlandish to really believe in, but it is important that I keep them. It is important that I hold onto hope itself in all its forms because when it comes right down to it, hope is really all we’ve got – ever. Sure, sometimes a hope becomes a reality, but before it is reality you made it real in your mind and heart and that realness that it held in your mind guided your actions to make it a reality.

Hope (or it’s absence) is fodder for a writer. Without hope, there’s no story. So what do you hope and strive for? What does your character hope and strive for? Figure that out, and you are well on your way to creating what someone might call art someday – there’s a slim chance that you’re the next Hemingway, but keep hoping (and writing) and maybe someday your hope will come true.

10 Truths about Writing, Life, and The Writing Life

It has been a while, folks. I've gone through a break up, started a new business, and finished my thesis (mostly) since I last posted here, and there are a few things I've learned about writing (and life) along the way. Here are the ten most prominent.

1. There are two types of good writing: good ideas, and good prose. 

You've seen the good idea writing. There's a good story there, you say, but the execution's terrible. Well the opposite is true as well: too often I've read beautiful, intricate sentences and intense descriptions, but remained unfulfilled by the piece as a whole because it lacked originality and perspective.  When you write, try for both good ideas and good prose.

2. Most of the people who criticize you are jealous of you; therefore, choose those whom you listen to wisely. 

I found this out the hard way, and to be honest, I am still finding it out (or at least reminding myself of this) every time I hear something hateful about my writing. It's hard to put your writing out there. I know. You pour your heart and soul and blood and tears into your work, and to have it torn apart is worse than having a knife in your gut. Some people will tell you that you have to get used to it, and you do. Faulkner would tell you to "kill your darlings," and he's right too.

But there is a huge difference between severe yet ultimately constructive criticism and vindictive jealous criticism. So the big question you might have now is how can you tell the difference?

Well, its hard sometimes, but the main thing I look for is whether or not the critic is being specific. As harsh as some criticism may be, if the critic takes the time to point out specific errors or explicitly state why a passage isn't working, I know that he or she intended to be helpful, whereas if a critic makes a lot of general statements like "this isn't working," or "I just don't feel connected to your protagonist," then you can be fairly certain his or her comments can be thrown out. Another thing to consider when choosing which critics you will listen to is their own work. Do you respect the work of the person? If you do, then his or her thoughts might be worth considering. If you do not respect that person's work, then why are you wasting your time worrying about his or her advice?

3. The main challenge of writing isn't writer's block or lack of inspiration: it is lack of discipline.

One of my wise and influential professors told me this when I graduated from undergrad, but it took me most of grad school to understand its import. I would elaborate more here, but this piece of advice is really something you just have to come to understand for yourself.

4. When your heart is broken, work (that you love) is the best medicine. 

I don't deal well with heartbreak. Seriously, we're talking oceans of tears,  depression, weight loss (bonus, but not a good way to go about it), headaches, and more. I tried yoga (which helps except when you are too depressed for yoga), prayer (which helps, but doesn't distract you), and hang outs with friends (which help temporarily, but let's face it, your friends can't be there 24/7 and they're tired of your mopy face after the first three days anyway). But what ultimately helped me the most was jumping into my work. Now, I've tried this before and it really doesn't work when I don't love my job, but because I have a passion for the work I do now, I feel energized and productive and confident when I'm putting increased effort into my career and getting results. Another version of this, I suppose, is the advice that tells you to focus on yourself. I want to go one step further with that advice: focus on advancing yourself. This doesn't have to be career related, but it does need to be you related. Focus on improving your health, your finances, your spirituality, or your mental stability.

5. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, even if they're public. 

Mistakes are a part of life and when we fear mistakes we don't take risks. When we don't take risks, we don't reap the rewards of potential successes and we don't learn from failures. It is better to make a mistake, learn from it, and deal with the fall out than to walk through life as just a shadow of the person you could be. 

6. Don't be afraid to be yourself, even if you're not who others want you to be.

It can be tempting at times to adjust our behavior to appease those we care about. Even if we aren't aware that we're modifying ourselves, such actions have severe consequences. Something as simple as turning down a job to be closer to a partner or quitting a hobby to appease a loved one can cause us to lose our identity or feel disconnected. Ultimately such seemingly small compromises eat away at your identity until the true you disappears.

7. Always journal.

If you are a writer (and even if you're not) I want to urge you to keep a journal and to write in it daily. I used to be a lot better about this than I have been lately, but I realized after the fact that if I had been journaling regularly like I used to, I would likely not have made the mistakes that I made.

Journaling helps me to sort out my thoughts and feelings and to reach clarity. Journaling also keeps me writing. When I am journaling regularly, I also write regularly elsewhere.

8. Dance if you feel like it (even in Walmart).

This advice really has nothing to do with dancing in Walmart. The point is that you should do what you like (within reason) and enjoy it. This is kind of a natural extension to number 6. Doing things that you enjoy is part of being who you are.

9. Schedule time to edit and submit work (and research places to submit).

I learned this the hard way. After scheduling writing time and continually telling myself that I could edit within that time frame, and then continually failing to ever get editing and submitting done, I decided that the editing and submitting was equally important to the writing and thus deserved a special time slot on my calendar. It only has to be one or two hours a day (or week, depending on how much you write. I write for five hours a day and I edit/submit/research places to submit for about an hour a day.)

10. Keep a calendar (and use it).

You will get nothing done if you don't organize your time. You might think you can organize your time sufficiently in your head, but get over it: you can't. Go ahead, cry into some Haagen-Dazs then get your ass to Target and buy a planner (or just exercise your thumb and open the calendar app on  your phone).

Peter Pan and the Shadow

I always loved Peter Pan lore -- a boy, young forever, who could fly with fairy dust and whisk children from their mundane lives away to Neverland. And then I grew. I saw the darkness woven into Peter Pan, and more significantly, I saw darkness in myself.

The traditional Peter Pan story involves Peter searching for his shadow. The shadow has gotten away from him and is causing mischief. Once Peter captures his shadow, he sews it to himself so that it cannot escape again. My own shadow is strong, and  I am easily overcome by its allure. As hard as I try, the darkness is still there, and it calls to me. I am envious of those who do not struggle in this way. I am envious of those who are innocent and those happy with consistency and normalcy. At the same time that I desire normalcy, I abhor it because to be normal and consistent would be to cease to be myself. I have never been normal and consistent for very long. I have tried and I have failed. And so I am caught in between -- between a career and a family, between love and loneliness, between God and the devil,  between innocence and corruption. I am between.

The Mythical Writing Process (plus some intriguing thoughts about goat cheese)

When I was seven I wrote a three act Easter play involving a girl and an Easter rabbit. I don’t remember the play, save that it was a spectacular success, by which I mean that my mother and father and their friends were blown away by my prowess and creativity.

Despite my wild success wading in the shallow end of playwriting, I have never written another play since. Why, you ask? Well, the only reason I can pin down really has to do with why I struggle to even write stories when I wrote loads of them in grade school and middle school and high school and even college:

I’ve lost my process.

Yes, that link to the great Muse, the glorious sparkling dust of creativity, which so generously blessed me with endless stories and unquenchable drive has left me to rot here in graduate school in Wichita Kansas, with not an ounce of intoxicating inspiration (though I do have a nice bottle of intoxicating single malt scotch).

I visited Mexico as a teenager on a humanitarian mission. Together with several other teenagers, I visited destitute villages and helped them repair their homes and build schools. Motherly village women stuffed us full with fresh-made tortillas cooked on ancient cast iron wood burning stoves and slathered with creamy cheese made from the family goat’s milk and aged in pouches of stomach lining.

Goat cheese ages slowly, curdling first as it festers in the sun. Bacteria spreads, separating the solids, fermenting them. Maybe a bit of salt is added, the pouch kneaded. Maybe herbs or jalapenos are thrown in on occasion for a spicy kick.After the cheese has fermented long enough, its removed from the pouch and strained. pressed. refined.

Cheesemaking is a complex process. It requires knowledge, yes, but it requires experimentation and patience much more. The cheesemaker has to be willing to try new methods, and revise what’s not working. The cheesemaker must wait patiently for the cheese to age -- finish -- refine.

Writing is the same -- There has never been an ethereal muse fueling my mind with inspiration or feeding me with a cosmic umbilical cord to the divine; I’ve just forgotten how to work at attaining what I want. Somewhere along the line I decided my education should make it easier for me to write breathtaking prose without need for revision. Now I stare at a computer screen paralyzed, desperately begging a muse who isn’t there to save me from myself. Meanwhile, the rural Mexican woman are watching their cheeses, kneading them, refining them, turning them into masterpieces. They don’t need divinity to reach down with a dose of inspiration; they just work toward perfection daily, for the rest of their lives.

Back Again

Hi all,

As you may have noticed, I have not posted to this blog since I moved and started graduate school. Frankly, I have been on a ride of insanity that is only just beginning (in the next week, perhaps) to calm down.

Over the last semester I have gone through a lot a changes, made a lot of mistakes, and learned a lot about myself and my work. There will be more details in the days to come. Until then, please enjoy the little post below:

My whole working life I have had to deal with feeling trapped and strangled at work. Not physically strangled, of course. It's a metaphor. Relax.

Now back to my topic... I have always felt trapped and it's caused me anxiety and stress, which I had trouble dealing with. Now, since I work longer hours than ever, I feel this even more. The following concepts are a pastiche of visualization tools from a variety of sources but I thought I would share them with you, because they work.

1) Think for a moment about the concepts of having space, freedom and peace. What images come to mind? Do you think of the beach? A trip to the lake? Being at church? Being alone at home?

2) Now select an object that you will can carry with you that will act as a touchstone of sorts to help you revisit that emotion state of peace. It can be a memento, a picture of your vacation spot, a stuffed animal, etc.

3) Hold the selected object in your hands, while you think about having space, freedom and peace. Visualize those positive emotions flowing into the object.

5) Anchor it in your mind by saying out loud I have space, freedom and peace while holding your object.

6) Carry the object with you. Several times a day, or when you start to feel tired, angry or depressed, touch this object and say to yourself I have space, freedom and peace. It only takes a few seconds, but it will tell your mind to focus and maintain calm.

7) Pay attention to how you feel after this exercise. Any sense of relief is an improvement.

Sanity and Change

It has been a while since my last post. I have spent that time working and packing and settling my mind with the idea that I am moving to Wichita. I'm scared. Yes, it is irrational. I know. As much as I tell myself everything will be fine, I can't make myself believe it.

I don't handle change well. To be honest, I never have. Every time I move, switch jobs, or even cancel a night at the movies, I am thrown into upheaval. I like to be in control and when I'm not, I panic.

What does this have to do with you? Well, nothing... directly... but I have the feeling that I'm not the only one who struggles with change. Change pushes us out of our comfort zones. We are forced to expand our horizons, make new friends, and learn new things. Sometimes it is hard but much of the time it is rewarding as well. All that said, here are a few tips of staying sane through life's upheavals.

1. FAMILIARITY

If you are moving to a new place or even a new office, the upset of a new environment can stress out your psyche even without the additional stresses associated with massive change. Limit the harsh effects of a new environment by bringing some of your old environment with you. Pictures of family, favorite decorations, blankets, books, etc... Having parts of your old environment in the picture with help you acclimate more easily and personal items have a calming effect on stressed minds. That is why children so often have comfort items.

2. STOMPING GROUNDS

Let me start by saying: DON'T DO WHAT I DO... I tend to curl up and hide when I'm uncomfortable. OK, not really, but emotionally I do. I reject the unfamiliar and stay within the tightest bounds possible: work, school, home, work, school, home....

This method doesn't work well for me and it won't work well for you either. In fact, because I know this method doesn't work, I am going to try very hard not to fall into it when I get to Wichita. What I'm going to do instead is familiarize myself with the city. I'm going to visit restaurants, stores, and parks. I'm going to look at a map to figure out the layout of the city and what the best routes are. I'm going to let myself get lost (after I'm sure my GPS is working.) By becoming familiar with my new environment, I will establish it as a comfort zone. Instead of feeling isolated and uncomfortable, I will hopefully begin to recreate the familiarity I had with my old home and job and school.

3. FRIENDS

Friends are a hard change to make. We make friends with people for a reason. We like them. When we have to leave and find new friends, it is easy to search for the perfect person and be overly critical when "Sally" is different then "Jessica," who you left back home. Don't fall into this trap. You can remain friends with people you knew before and make friends with new people too. Embrace everyone for who they are. New friends are part of new experiences and they make life in a new place more bearable.


I only hope I can follow my own advice. Au revoir, Tulsa!