I always loved Peter Pan lore -- a boy, young forever, who could fly with fairy dust and whisk children from their mundane lives away to Neverland. And then I grew. I saw the darkness woven into Peter Pan, and more significantly, I saw darkness in myself.
The traditional Peter Pan story involves Peter searching for his shadow. The shadow has gotten away from him and is causing mischief. Once Peter captures his shadow, he sews it to himself so that it cannot escape again. My own shadow is strong, and I am easily overcome by its allure. As hard as I try, the darkness is still there, and it calls to me. I am envious of those who do not struggle in this way. I am envious of those who are innocent and those happy with consistency and normalcy. At the same time that I desire normalcy, I abhor it because to be normal and consistent would be to cease to be myself. I have never been normal and consistent for very long. I have tried and I have failed. And so I am caught in between -- between a career and a family, between love and loneliness, between God and the devil, between innocence and corruption. I am between.
